1. T is taking a few days off from work to go one a long weekend get away.
2. T invited me to come along.
WOW!
T usually works on weekends. Well, he usually works all the time. He is going to close is office for several days over the Memorial Day weekend and take a trip with his family. One of his sisters is taking her boyfriend along. T invited me. How cool it that?
I think it is very cool. In the more than seven years I have known him, I have not had 3 days with him. Three full days, and nights. Yes, his family will be there and it's not exactly going to be a romantic getaway, but I don't really care. Just to be with him will be great.
As much a I want to it be so, I know I am not going as his boyfriend. In fact, several days after I got the invite, T reminded me that I need to find a boyfriend. My feelings for him make that difficult. I am still in love with him and that will never change. (More on that later)
I told K that I was going on this trip. She was immediately irritated about it. Partly because she goes to an event every Memorial Day weekend and she just assumed I would be around to watch the kids. Me being gone will kind of mess that up for her. The other part is, she thinks I should not be talking to T at all. She thinks maintaining my close relationship with him is preventing me from moving on.
She is right. I know that. Blog readers have told me that. T has told me that I need to find someone else. But at the end of the day, the truth is I am still in love with him.
I know that he is unable (or unwilling) to have the relationship with me (or anyone) that I want and need, but I am still in love with him. I know that he works all the time and even thought he wants to, he will not be able to make that better any time soon, but I am still in love with him.
Yes, I have met other people, like the Chef. Things did not work out with the Chef mostly because we were not really a match. Now, I think the issues we had could have been worked out if I really put effort into it. But the reality is, I did not want to. My heart was elsewhere.
This is the persistent truth about my reality.
I can't have T, but I can't let him go. He is important to me and I know I am important to him. He is one of my oldest friends. He IS my most persistent friend. Despite all the demands on his time, he is always someone I can talk to about anything that is on my mind. I value him and his friendship greatly. I love him and I never want to have him out of my life.
Never.
2 comments:
Sometimes we fall in love with some one that isnt exactly a perfect pairing. The heart wants what the heart wants. As long as you can live happily with the crumbs of time T can give to you, then it can "work". As long as this time you truly understand he can't give you more than he can. Getting mad at a situation that it seems he has little control over wont help. You might think about finding a place closer to T if you two decide to give this another go. That might allow him to carve out bits and pieces of time for you.
I knew it! I knew it!!
This is the beginning of the new beginning. To use a trite phrase, it takes two to tango, and T is as guilty as you are.
You and T will settle into your plush king bed. Three days to talk. Something will be negotiated. You've had a chance to look around, just as T has, and neither of you has found anyone better. Maybe now there will be some compromise as perspectives have changed, and you two will emerge from this weekend as boyfriends. Again.
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